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mood |
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 disbelief |
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music |
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Heart-Shaped Box renditions |
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No excuses, no blame, no anger, no resentment.
This is very difficult.
After years of certainty, years of what I thought was stability, years of effort and time and encouragement and hope... it's over. I've come to terms with that. It was a long time coming, actually. My close friends and family have asked me where it came from and what happened? It wasn't one specific thing. It was a very complex system of issues that just kept building. We kept trying over and over again, but none of those problems were ever properly solved. And it all came to a head when I came home from being abroad (I put the last nail in the coffin). It had been broken, and it's been destroyed. Beyond recognition. It's unbelievable, and very difficult to conceive of. But just the same, it's true.
He let me go and now I'm working on figuring out where I go from here. Because I had such a vivid idea of what was going to come next before all this happened. I knew what was going to come next. I had everything planned, to the very detail. I had a roof over my head and food on a plate in front of me. And a nice, hot shower every day. That was a nice perk. I had a family. A real family. And it's keeping me somewhat sane to think that I was "politely excused" from that family. Because, in reality, it was more like "We've done all this for you and this is how you repay us? Get the fuck out, and don't ever come back."
So I have no choice but to forge a new family. Some friends are helping to keep me afloat. I'm immobile currently. I got to Pam's, but the car won't start anymore. My brothers (YES they are my brothers, still. They haven't treated me any differently after what happened two years ago) tried to get my car to start. Pam's boyfriend, who has a lot on his plate right now, tried to get the car to start. O'Malley has tried to get the car to start. Carmelo has tried to get the car to start. Nothing. It's the cold. And the old gas. It's a lot of unluckiness, really. Way to go, asshole. Could have gotten a gallon or so at 711. Whatever. It's not moving now. It probably won't until the spring. Thus, I'm not getting much done.
It's up in the air how I'll be getting back to school. Carmelo offered to help one minute, and then he remembered that he goes back to school the same day. So that's out. O'Malley is in... I'm just concerned I'm wearing out the "I'm in distress, come save me!" button (i.e. speed dial 2). I just don't know what else to do, though. I'm completely useless at this point in time. Can't get any work done, can't function, can't make any right choices, can't work (yes, I was hired to be a saleswoman, but that fell through). Won't eat, won't sleep more than 3 hours a night. Can't talk to a professional (which, by the by, I was highly recommended to see by someone who doesn't even believe in therapy. Perfect?) because I couldn't get there anyway.
Do I even want to go back to school? Hardly. The college would likely benefit without me. When Dad left and I asked for help because I couldn't do everything on my own, they said I didn't "qualify" for aid because I had contact with Mom. Horseshit. They don't care. Why would I want to be a graduate of a college who can't lend a hand to a student who is having genuine problems?
I'm fucking homeless for fuckssake.
Doesn't make a difference. Tunnel vision has set in again. Instead of growing and learning, I've taken about 50 steps backward. I've "grown down", if there is such a thing. Chris says it's all prospective. I disagree. There's something to be said for one action causing the disapproval and disappointment of countless loved ones. And for one family member to blame it on... "The Cavallone Wandering Eye"? What the fuck is that shit? It's not a fucking nature vs nurture question. It doesn't run in the goddamn family. We're simply a family that makes decisions with our libidos in mind first. I can only hear "You're only human" so much from the individuals I've told (yes, there is a distinct line drawn between those I've told the truth and those Bob has told: the ones I've told have been understanding and supportive; the ones he has told just want to kill me).
I'm only a human who felt trapped in a, for lack of a better word, marriage for 2+ years too many. I tried getting out numerous times. He can't even deny that. It wasn't legally binding (thank Christ. I'd be up to my tits in debt if that were case) and we never brought any children into the world (lucky for him), so the way I look at it is that even though we had dreams of "that place" and "that dog" and "these Ikea pots and pans," we didn't rush into anything retarded. Because the two of us are children. What people fail to recognize is that it was bad for a long time. According to him, everything with a Y-chromosome wanted to fuck me and I had to be protected from that. According to me, he had no desire to grow up. A select few knew of my friends about it, and they urged me to get out and fast. It was never my intention to make him "the bad guy." I just needed help. Because I hadn't been happy for a very long time. I was too stupid and scared to do anything. Way to go. Way to waste fucking four years. There's nothing to show for it. Just ghosts, like he said. There are shadows of us everywhere. We've been everywhere. I see his goddamn car every time a friend takes me to run an errand. How will I go back to Naperville and keep my sanity? I can barely sleep in Pam's house because of all of the memories. I even went through my Myspace inbox and found things I'd long forgotten about.
And he thinks that someday, not this year, but somewhere down the line, we could try again. I highly doubt it. There is nothing left to build on. It's completely gone.
Cher was on at the party today. Can I believe in life after love? Hardly. Not when everything has been turned upside down. Not when all of the questions I had asked as a child were all answered at once in one short week.
I have the answer. Accounting 101: The company only stays afloat when the liabilities are minimized.
That is all.
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